Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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