If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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