i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
40s are totally the cure
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
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