mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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