Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
