I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
