anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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