i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
