No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Be still, my beating vagina.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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