i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
