i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Randomize
