the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Randomize
