physics? naw man, teacher told us it was casual friday, so i decided to be super casual and not go.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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