I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
