my phone needs a breathalizer
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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