The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Randomize
