matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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