So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up