His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
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Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
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I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.