I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
She just used a chaser for red wine.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize
