I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Randomize
