So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
