at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
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