let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
