after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
