He disabled his match.com account in front of me
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
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