I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
