dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
