she looked like the bat from fern gully.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
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