3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
