So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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