The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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