I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
