I'm jealous of your bromance
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Randomize
