If i could tip my vagina, i would.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
