too bad you live with your parents still
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
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If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
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I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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