Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
I wear drunk well.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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