The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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