just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Randomize
