I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
