Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
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