I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
