Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Randomize
