my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
