I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Randomize
