Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
