time to smoke my breakfast
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Randomize
