I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Come share oat with me in your robe
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
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