So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
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