I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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