Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
