and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
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