So drunk, too bad you don't want this
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
