it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
