walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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